Glossary of Election Terms – Onion Style

Courtesy of The Onion:

• delegate

  A demented, often screaming individual who experiences intense arousal at the sight of a vertically printed placard bearing his or her state’s name.

• absentee ballot

  A form of voting that does not involve the inconvenience of having to get up off the couch and walk to a high school gymnasium.

• ballot

  An object recording a voter’s decision that is frequently counted toward an election’s outcome.

• caucus

  The process by which Americans are quadrennially reminded of Iowa’s existence.

• change

  Can be found

  1. In the air/wind.
  2. At hand.
  3. Inside us all.

• convention

  The best four-day-long chance a politically active, overweight Kia salesman from Tulsa has to nail one of them blond Fox anchors.

• corruption

  The most effective and efficient way to produce results in government.

• debate

  A contest to see which candidate can answer the fewest questions.

• democracy

  A moderately representative plutocracy.

• Diebold voting machine

  A sophisticated, computerized balloting terminal that electronically changes your vote into a vote for Mitt Romney.

• election worker

  A male or female at least 70 years of age.

• electoral college

  A process by which the number of states in the Union is narrowed down to the most important seven or eight.

• experience

  A quantitative score any politician may increase by slaying foes or solving riddles.

• hope

  An intangible object within every American that is destroyed every four years in November.

• likability

  The degree to which each candidate is able to hide the extent to which he or she is full of sh*t.

• lobbyist

  A better-paid legislator.

• MoveOn.org

  A company offering routine tests of your e-mail’s spam filter.

• platform

  1. A list of the subjects that candidates are willing to discuss.
  2. A raised structure, almost entirely covered by flags, upon which candidates are placed.

• political consultants

  Individuals who are very savvy politically, but don’t have enough hair to run for office themselves.

• political philosophy, conservative

  1. A great way to meet chicks at Princeton University.
  2. U-S-A; e.g., U-S-A, U-S-A(!).

• political philosophy, liberal

  An ideology steeped in a proud tradition of ineffectual whining.

• pollster

  A person who willingly communicates with the elderly.

• Rock The Vote

  Something that is, apparently, still happening.

• voter apathy

  The reason most American politicians are able to achieve and maintain office.